आग जो लगी समंद मे धुंआ न परगट होए 

सो जाने जो जरमुआ जाकी लागी  होए। 

-कबीर 

I was in falsehood! Illusion! I was thinking I am living for myself, my happiness, my goals, my health, my education, my knowledge. Now I realize those were never for me, those were always for others. Oh no, I am not a person living for the society. But I did not live for myself also. Yes, loving myself was and is integral part of living, but it is true only when  opportunity of living for others is there. There is also opportunity to love others, opportunity to take others responsibility, opportunity to think about others well being. Without being for others, life is so meaningless, goal less.

Is it a feeling without rationality? Special only about me? I don't think so. We all live for others. We realize this when we start developing sense of responsibility for others, But we realize this most when our responsibility is taken away and the emptiness comes. 

Somewhere I have read " fear of getting unloved" someday. I think the more scary thing is not to get opportunity to love, not to get opportunity to take responsibility of others. It is so horrible that no one is expecting love from you and neither you have anyone to love and to take responsibility. 

That is it. Not living for ourselves only. Living for others, loving others. 

जीबत समझे जीबत बुझे, जीबत ही करो आस। 
जीबत करम की फांसी न कटे, मुए मुक्ति की आस। 

-कबीर 

This is a Chess Board. Yes, after playing for years, I am still alive, because I am the king. Others left me, or have been killed. They kept me survived  and I can do anything now. The Opponent is also not very strong, because war has harmed them too, or regular war has made me stronger . A very limited resource left with me and I know I can survive more with these. I cant be defeated easily for sure. But I failed. I failed to to save those resources who were more precious. Whose loss cant be filled up by anything, by anyone. 

Being king is not a good idea then. It is better not to be superior. Being not a king decisions are collective, loss is collective, grief is collective and grieving is collective. I don't want to be superior, I don't want to take decisions alone. I don't want to lose it alone. The few resources left with me , I want to recollect them again  and want to be engrossed in those. Be in the group. I don't want to win neither want to lose. I just want to walk.  In the board, beyond the board.To you , towards you.